If I had a magic wand

If I had a magic wand to wave I'd be handsome as can be
Clooney would not earn a glance in my proximity
The ladies would adore me the young and not so young
But I'd have eyes for only you, you'd be my chosen one

If I had a magic wand to wave I'd be a billionaire
I'd have a fleet of private jets to take me everywhere
I'd wine you and I'd dine you in Paris and in Rome
And fly you to some tropic isle where we would build our home

If I had a magic wand to wave I would be very wise
I'd write best selling novels and would win a Booker prize
I'd be on every chat show give lectures nationwide
But all this would be meaningless without you by my side

If I had a magic wand to wave I would be super fit
I'd be broad across the shoulders and narrow at the hip
I'd be the greatest athlete coming first in every race
The vision that would spur me on would be your lovely face

I have no need of magic wands I'm really not that vain
I'll never be a millionaire or own an aeroplane
My conversations stilted my wit is far too slow
I have little education but there's one thing I do know
That I have magic in my life and this I know is true
The magic came into my life the day that I met you.

Strictly dumb dancing

I wish that I had learned to dance
And taken lessons in advance
With pretty ladies seize the chance
Around the floor with grace to prance

When I waltz I'm but a fool
I don't know when too rise or fall
One two together I recall
Is what they told me at the school

I've lost all flexibility
I move round counting one two three
Hoping no one else can see
I'm sure all eyes are fixed on me

On quickstep please don't get me started
My sense of rhythm has departed
Partners have for safety darted
This dance is not for the faint hearted

The music sets too great a pace
As though we're in some kind of race
My quicks and slows in the wrong place
My footwork lacking any grace

I do quick where I should do slow
Treading on my partner's toe
Watching her impatience grow
And irritation start to show

Argentine tango I'll not try
I could not lift my knee that high
I watch the others and I sigh
I'm simply not that sort of guy

The Latin dances need such flair
They strut about their midriffs bare
Their noses firmly in the air
I know I could never dare

The jive for me is much too fast
The Charleston I just watch aghast
At modern dance I'm just outclassed
My dancing days are in the past

And so by the bar I cower
Getting drunker by the hour
Lonely and a little sour
To be the perpetual wallflower

The history of you and me

Settle down and pay attention listen close to me
And I will relate to you just how I came to be
I came about by accident that don't mean my inception
Was due to a malfunction with my parents' contraception
The means of my existence was by natural selection
And all those not selected met with natural rejection

It started many years ago billions in fact
Just three point eight is the best guess though may not be exact
The earth had cooled down just enough for water to exist
The first of life's necessities was now ticked off the list
And in this liquid ocean many billion compounds floated
None of them as yet were life it really should be noted

There was carbon there were lipids and hydrocarbons too
Nucleic and amino acids floated in this stew
They drifted in the currents and far and wide they glided
The currents were quite turbulent and often they collided
Some of them like velcro began to stick together
The shape of one received another to form a secure tether

Far below the surface by the deepest ocean floor
There a nuclear reactor that is earth's molten core
Where columns formed of calcium like ghostly statues grow
Through fissures in the earth's crust streams of molten lava flow
There a chemical reaction made a group of compounds gell
Creating the first form of life a living single cell

Or up among the surface amid raging electric storms
The compounds mixed together in many diverse forms
With the stimulus of lightning to fuse them into one
A simple cell was now created and life on earth begun
By fusion or by fission both theories get their votes
By either means or both of them we had prokaryotes

A little explanation here would not go amiss
For many will not know just what a prokaryote is
A cell without a nucleus the most basic ever known
The root of every plant and every creature ever grown
The basis of all life on earth of each and all criteria
And some of them still thrive today we know them as bacteria

If to you this seems fantastic then I can but agree
But think about it logically and you will come to see
If an event is possible and of that there's little doubt
Given time and opportunity that event will come about
With countless opportunities and billions of years
Such events come together and simple life appears

And for a billion years or so this was the status quo
Development of the next stage took place rather slow
A simple cell was then absorbed within another's skin
And a symbiotic relationship was taking place therein
And finding an advantage in remaining in this form
More complex organisms eukaryotes now were born

And now within these organs we have smaller organelles
Each performing different functions from all the other cells
Taking energy from sunlight and compounds from the flow
Making sugars fats and starches allowing them to grow
They grew and they divided multiplying breaking free
A host of living organisms floating in the sea

And now these eukaryotes began to specialise
Filling every niche on earth that you can visualise
Some floated in the sunlight soaking up those gentle rays
Some flourished in the darkness at the closing of the days
Some of them changed colour or changed shape you get my gist
And life in many diverse forms began to coexist

One such organelle is most important to our tale
Without which the life we know today would simply fail
The chloroplasts make chlorophyll but most importantly
The waste product is oxygen which simply is set free
So now we have free oxygen in the air around the earth
But still we have a billion years to wait until my birth

The next step in evolution was to colonise the land
The tide would leave some organisms high upon the sand
Most of them exposed to sun and wind dried up and died
Others more adaptable hung on till the next tide
And so by small degrees they ventured further up the beach
Until eventually to some the sea was out of reach

So by flora and by fauna the land was colonised
All sorts of plants and animals of every shape and size
Surviving greater hardships than the modern world can know
Meteor strikes and ice ages and a world of driven snow
Some of them could get away as they could fly and glide
And some of them had thick warm fur and could the cold abide

Now let us jump forward to a million years ago
Countless creatures had survived lifes natural ebb and flow
A tribe of apes in Africa not unlike chimpanzees
Looked for food away from the safety of the trees
And found by standing upright danger better could be seen
And thus evolved a creature known as man upon the scene.

The history of man from here is really well recorded
They took advantage of each opportunity afforded
They learned to farm discovered fire, flint and bronze and iron
Created kings invented laws religions myths and Zion
But all this was not enough and spurred on by their greed
Kings sought to claim each others' lands and war became their creed

Then in the twentieth century while the world was still at war
A young man went out dancing and liking what he saw
A young woman in her Sunday best was standing by the door
He asked her would she care to dance and whirled her round the floor
And so began a romance like so many had before
By any name the mating game was what they came here for

In the springtime one year later they played 'here comes the bride'
And in the church the best man and the groom stood side by side
Fathers stood by proudly and mothers simply cried
Wishing for their children comforts they had been denied
And so my parents left the church a new era begun
And one year later produced me their one and only son

Now my stories ended and we're brought right up to date
We've travelled several billion years at an alarming rate
This story could be anyones yours as well as mine
From single cell to human being is but a single line
I have one thing left to say its sobering I fear
The slightest change along the way and we might not be here

Memories

I remember long ago
When I had some way to grow
There was so much I did not know
But still I well remember

The six week summer holiday
When the sun shone every day
And days were filled with fun and play
That lasted till September

In autumn we collected wood
And piled it as high as we could
Till high above out heads it stood
Ready for November

And on the fifth we burnt the guy
And sent our fireworks in the sky
And when the fire began to die
Baked potatoes in the ember

Then we sang carols by the score
Collecting pennies at the door
To buy our family presents for
The twenty fifth december

Now I find it such a strain
Familiar faces I can't name
But back before dementia came
Those days I still remember

Henri

Henri Dunant, a forgotten man
You may not of heard his name
But his achievements are more worthy than
Most men of far greater fame.

Born in Geneva eighteen twenty eight
A baby of bonny rude health
First son of Antoinette and Jean Dunant
In a family of quite modest wealth

Young Henri grew up a christian devout
Pious of the Calvinist faith
The humble and poor he worked to help out
Friend to both orphan and waif

To improve the lot of young Christian men
That would visit Geneva for trade
The YMCA he there introduced
Where in comfort and safety they stayed.

Then Henri came up with a business idea
In Algeria grain he would grow
But his access to land and water not clear
He set out for Solferino

He intended to speak to Napoleon the third
To ask that he should intervene
He got there the day the battle occured
And he was appalled by the scene

The ground there was littered with wounded or dead
Twenty three thousand in all
With no one to tend them they cried and they bled
And no one would answer their call

Henri immediately began to give aid
Overcoming official resistance
Got first aid supplies for which he himself paid
And organised local assistance

Back home in Geneva he published a book
Describing the horrors of war
Henri was determined to do all that it took
To let people know what he saw

Henri and some others of similar belief
In horror of such human loss
Set up a society of humane relief
That was to be called the Red Cross

He canvassed the leaders of countries of power
His aim was such suffering's prevention
A meeting of leaders agreed to endower
And establish the Geneva Convention

Rules were established for countries at war
To which twelve nation's ministers signed
The prisoners the injured, civillians and more
Had their rights and their treatment defined.

In recognition of all Henri achieved
With his close band of allies
In 1901 Henri Dunant recieved
The very first Nobel peace prize

Henri lived on for just nine more years
Then Henri departed this life
Though he may be forgotten his good works live on
Wherever there's conflict and strife

1066 and the Normans

Edward the Confessor died without heirs
In January ten sixty six
Several kin claimed that the throne should be theirs
And England was left in a fix

Harold Godwinson accepted the throne
By a large group of nobles selected
But William of Normandy claimed it was his own
And the error should now be corrected

Exiled in Flanders Harold's younger brother
Tostig Godwinson his name
He desperately wanted his lands to recover
And the Norwegian king backed his claim

Harald Hardrada was the Norwegian king
An old fashioned hard fighting viking
He thought of the riches invasion could bring
And this idea were much to his liking

Hardrada and Tostig they plotted and planned
An army to England would bring
Tostig would have lordship of Northumberland
And Harald Hardrada be king

So Harold marched north in defence of his crown
And at Stamford Bridge battle raged
Brother fought brother two men of renown
In bloody combat engaged

The battle raged on for most of the day
And when at last it concluded
Eleven thousand men dead or dying did lay
Hardrada and Tostig included

William of Normandy sailed over from France
Claiming his right to the crown
He landed at Hastings and there made a stance
With Harold to have a showdown/

Harold marched south in defence of his right
A task that he found never ending
But he gathered an army prepared for a fight
A kingdom was well worth defending

On an October morn battle lines were drawn
And men prayed to their gods not to die
At the end of the day it went William's way
And Harrold got one in the eye

At Westminister Abbey on Christmas Day
The conquerer was crowned England's king
Though the |Saxons had fears of the price they would pay
The bells of the kingdom did ring

Most saxons of titles and lands dispossessed
By William's supporters replaced
The defeated nation quite cruelly oppressed
Whatever the hardships they faced

Some northern Saxons had tried to rebel
The king's overthrow was their mission
An army was sent this uprising to quell
And bring them all to submission

Their livestock was killed towns and villages burned
Crops destroyed in retribution
Just to make sure that their lesson was learned
They were left in destitution

So Norman ruled Saxon with brutal disdain
The populace was subjugated
For more than a century Saxons would remain
To an underclass relegated

William's reign lasted for twenty one years
In ten eighty seven he died
And though it would bring about bloodshed and tears
He decided his realm to divide

To Robert his eldest he left Normandy
To William his next he left England
For Henry his third no more land could decree
So instead he bequeathed him ten grand.

William the Second had good reason for cheer
He had inherited England's crown
Until twelve years later while hunting for deer
He was by an arrow struck down.

Just who fired the arrow no one would say
We'll never know who was to blame
But Henry was there in the forrest that day
It was Henry who had most to gain

Henry was quick to claim England's throne
While Robert was still on crusade
An action that Robert just couldn't condone
So Robert prepared to invade

But Robert could find no support for his quest
And was forced to relinquish his claim
But continued to cause much discord and unrest
That was much to Henry's distain

Henry took his army to Normandy
And once more they fought one another
But Robert was captured and never set free
Imprisoned for life by his brother

But princes and dukes were all driven by greed
For a lucrative acquisition
So cousin fought cousin in order to feed
Their greedy and selfish ambition

And so it went on for two hundred years
By succession or marriage arranged
But the poorest had nothing but blood sweat and tears
Whoever was king nothing changed

And for all the riches and power it may bring
Though no physical comfort they lack
There's really no value in being a king
When forever you must watch your back

Keeping fit

'You're getting much too fat' she said
'You've obviously been over fed
Too much beer and chips and bread
Salads from now on instead.'

And in the mirror what a sight
On the scales I get a fright
I hate to say it, but she's right
I'm far too heavy for my height

I decide it would be wise
If my lifestyle I revise
Eat less burgers and french fries
Try to do more exercise

What form of exercise to take
It can't be hard for goodness sake
If I the right decision make
I could be skinny as a rake

Boxing's out I will assert
I am averse to being hurt
Nor will I don a rugby shirt
I'd end up face down in the dirt

Jogging's too hard on the knees
It also makes me pant and wheeze
And I'm sure the kids would tease
Me, If in lycra shorts I squeeze

I could join a rambling club
For long walks over fields and scrub
That could work, but heres the rub
They always end up in a pub

Now I've decided I should slim
Lose some weight get nice and trim
I see an ad and on a whim
I decide to join a gym

A buff young man from overseas
Explains for me the monthly fees
A special rate for OAPs
If one to all the terms agrees

He offers then to show me round
If monthly I pay just twelve pound
What apperatus could be found
The merits of each to expound

In my new trainers made by Nike
On the treadmill I took a hike
Then tried the exercise bike
The cross-trainer I really like

Then, on the rowing machine
For this one I was rather keen
I quite liked rowing as a teen
Before I became so porcine

It felt just like old times again
I settled in and took the strain
I pulled then cried out words profane
My poor old back was racked with pain

The chiropractor felt my spine
He pushed and pulled it back in line
Being plump now seems benign
Gym membership I shall decline

At home scant sympathy they show
As I relate my tale of woe
Although I'm feeling rather low
A beer restores my inner glow

With getting fit I'll persevere
Regain the shape of yesteryear
I'll drink to that with one more beer
And start to diet... perhaps next year